Different Hats

I’ve reached the point in my life where I have finally learned how to keep quiet, out of sight, but sometimes on the mind.

My life has changed drastically ever since the day I became a mom for the first time. There’s been so many life lessons that I’ve had to learn the hard way and with limited help. Maybe it’s designed to be this way and we all just have to figure this out for ourselves.

But anyhow, I’ve had the time of life while trying to get it all together. The hole that I’ve dug myself in is starting to fill back up, slowly but surely.

Someday I’ll make something out of myself with the right direction and a positive emotional mindset. But those dreams are paused for now as I no longer come first and I accept that.

I’ll always prioritize my children over my own needs and wants. I stop, drop, and roll for them in the flash of a second. It’s just the person that I have become since they have arrived.

I am not the type of mom that spends hundreds of dollars on haircuts and nails, I don’t care about tanning anymore, and I don’t drive a Yukon XL Denali (although I totally would if I could afford it). I don’t go out on the weekends with the girls and drink, and I don’t spend my credit cards on luxurious goodies. This type of shit will not make me a better mom and it does not satisfy my emotional needs. Don’t take this sentence the wrong way either, I don’t have any judgement or disagreement with that lifestyle, it’s just I am not that type of person and I never have been.

The type of mom that I am: I learned how to cut my own hair about 6 years ago after I let someone I know cut it and they failed miserably. I don’t paint my nails because I use my hands too much and they already kind of look manly. I learned how to cook at home all sorts of different recipes so we don’t have to spend money eating out. I’m actually pretty good at it. We still go out occasionally but it’s so much cheaper just to make the meal yourself. I wear all the same clothes that I’ve had for years and never really change my style, most of the time my hair is up in a messy bun and I never wear makeup. We have never hired a random babysitter to watch our kids because we don’t trust strangers/outsiders as most people would. It’s a huge pet peeve when other people offer their sitter to watch our kids so we can come out and party, considering the fact that we’ve never even met them before. I gave up my own selfish needs just so my kids could have more.

I’m one of those moms that is okay ageing with grace. I adore the grays that I’ve earned through stress and treat them like free highlights. I’m flat in the chest and in the booty department and I’m fine with my small lips and the wrinkles on my forehead. I don’t post my personal life on social media anymore and I hardly respond to anything on them. I just like to watch the videos, see the news, and watch the town gossip and fights online without commenting.

I’ve kept myself out of sight for years now because I have worked so hard to obtain the peace I’ve been looking for, and it’s working.

The first time I became a mother and went through postpartum depression absolutely crushed my life in the beginning. I did everything perfectly, kept the notes and times, watched my son each second making sure he was okay, as a woman with absolutely no experience raising kids.

I suffered in silence like a lot of women do for the fear of being judged. I kept my postpartum depression secret for months because I was so terrified until I collapsed.

I was taken advantage of through the mental health system, just like the rest of the world sometimes, and constantly fed medications for years that did nothing except ruin my life.

And all while still taking care of my kid and trying to make it my first few years as a new parent.

Each case of postpartum depression is different for every woman. Thankfully, I did not go through postpartum psychosis, it was more of mentally drowning in silence and EXTREME anxiety. I just kept telling myself that you’ll never be a good mom. I barely had any support except for the father of my children and my own mother by the grace of God.

But I did it and that was years ago now, and I’ve had my second baby and went through postpartum depression again and handled it with professional success.

The things that I have been through have shaped me into a mature woman. A woman who now keeps to herself and focuses solely on her children and our life.

I really do feel like a new person. Stronger, bolder, and smarter. For the first time in my life I have some self-confidence and I’m keeping it.

And I believe others are starting to notice that as well. Throughout the years of my mental health healing journey I’ve lost a lot of the original friends I had during childhood, teenage and adolescent years. But that shit happens naturally in life as we grow older. It still hurt tremendously as I was that friend that usually listened to these people. Through all the stupidity and all the boyfriend complaints. But I myself never really had a true friend that actually cared for me or wanted to listen.

Over time I’ve had old acquaintances reach out through Facebook via friend requests and never send a message. The same people who didn’t care before now all of a sudden realize where is she? What ever happened? Curiously searching for me online and waiting for my response first.

There is nothing that I can do except reminisce a little bit about a memory I had and laugh, and then I simply ignore the friend requests or delete them. Sometimes, I have the same people who add me over and over again if I deny it. They might wait a year or so to try again, and all I can say to myself is, “what the fuck could you possibly want from me after all the time??”

People are so strange on how they rekindle a lost friendship and somehow adding someone on Facebook seems to be the normal way without communication.

I have an interesting side story about an old childhood friend that I was never even close with but she remembers me. She runs into me like every 3 years or so and makes it a point to walk up to me and talk. She goes on about her life and her sister that I used to be friends with and then tells me I look good. She makes up a lot of stories and bullshit that I can Google it and the evidence of truth is right there. It always ends the same when the conversation is over and that’s it. Never goes further and I’m the type of person who will make the offer of “getting together” first, because I know for a fact that it will never happen. It’s all a game and I’m out.

It’s nice and all and I guess flattering in a way, but I have moved on from those that never gave a shit about me when I was down and low.

I have a new life and a sense of direction that requires me to abandon that old version of myself and forget what once was and create new opportunities and adventures.

I have earned my peace and I will never let it go. I have such a long ways to the top of what I consider success, but patience will prevail.

I’m enjoying the life of motherhood, creating my own success from the ground up, and making new fresh friends.

I have no interest in going backwards in life and making any of the same mistakes again.

I’m like the version 2.0 that those who once knew me will never get to experience.

A normal Meghan.