Different Hats

Today, I’m going to write like a New Jerseyan, so this post might have a few more swear words than I normally would include.

I try and keep these post you know, nice and respectful, but just for today I am going to, in the words of Elsa, “Let it go.”

So I apologize in advance, but today I just have to express myself.

I already treat this blog as a public online journal/diary or whatever the hell this is even more for the sake of other humans that could relate to me and real life.

So anyways, fuck it let’s get into it.

I am so burnt out anymore. Just like the rest of the world. Wondering which direction should I go?

Oh, in a world full of hated, jealousy, deceitfulness, does it ever end?

Where has the happiness gone? Does it truly even exist for people like me?

Will I ever crawl out of my darkness which stops me from living,

Too much to offer but no place for giving,

Smart enough to know better, but too vulnerable to make mountains move,

Not sure how I will ever make do.

You know, as a woman it’s so easy to fucking cry all the time. Especially around that time of the month where it all just unleashes at once.

But I don’t care because people cry, it’s a natural response to sad shit.

And throughout those times of those little sad crying spells, I’ve noticed that my teardrops tend to trickle on down to my toes.

And I start to wonder about other people who could be like me too, at that same moment in time, could someone else be feeling as lost as I do on this strange planet.

I always tell myself all of the time that someone else out there has it worse than you do, and yet I can empathize with that. I could sit down and cry with some random person so together we can share the pain and then get back on our feet on move on with life. It’s like the only option you have left sometimes.

Life really is complicated when you have no direction to flow. When you truly have to learn the lessons yourself the hard way, it destroys your mental health and even a little bit of your soul.

It’s not all that bad though. Eventually we learn from our mistakes and then the next time we try to do better.

Ever since the day I first became a mother, that’s all I have ever done – try and do better things not only just for my personal satisfaction and needs, but for my children too.

I entered into a whole new world with motherhood without ever thinking about it or planning it the correct way.

It truly was the day that I became a grown adult without realizing it. You spend 9 months planning and celebrating until the baby arrives and suddenly everything changes.

The friends with no kids slowly distance themselves from you because that’s not what they signed up for and they don’t want to hear a baby cry. Until they suddenly have children and later down the road might try and get back in touch. To that I say a big fuck you, because I’m the type of friend that would stick around and not disappear over a small and helpless human.

It takes a village to raise a baby, and baby we don’t have a village. We have us.

And it’s hysterical when you see this type of situation reversed – where the people that have a village to raise a baby have it ALL, even the real elderly for help. I mean, these people would help out on the dime so mom can go out and have some fun, get a little crunked, or whatever. I’ve seen this situation happen so many times but all you can do is laugh, can’t get mad or sad.

It’s the reality of life – some people have the world at their fingertips with no appreciation, and others like me are force to wander the world alone just at a different style.

I’ve been a mom for almost ten years now and I can honestly say that I do not go out.

In the beginning I was sick with postpartum depression and had to fight that shit alone while still learning how to become a mother and take care of a little human 24/7 until I fell apart. Even then I still did all of my motherly duties.

And I did that shit. I pushed past all through that and fixed myself by giving up the medications and the world of psychiatry and psychology.

Since then it has been a steady balance of transforming myself from an immature dropout that cleaned homes during the week and tend the bar on the weekends to the world of wiping ass, sleep deprivation, social isolation, and all the other shit that follows with it.

But I handle it with pride, it’s a complicated battle between oneself, but here I breathe and continue on.

Having children probably brought out the best version of myself than I could have ever imagined.

I consider myself a fully dedicated mother since 2017. Even through my postpartum troubles I still was here and never stopped my duties while suffering mentally.

I try to be the bestest mommy that I can. I learn all the recipes and cook the different meals, clean the house every single day, pile the laundry up and do it, and all the school pick ups/drop offs plus the events. I make Halloween costumes by hand when asked too, buy the robux cards when asked and play games when I have the time. I wake up each morning around different times and stay awake waiting to take care of someone. My kids have never seen my ass drunk, I don’t do hard drugs except smoke that marijuana (responsibly), and I am always here at my house.

And on the flip side of all the normal motherly duties that everyone hears about, I do other shit. I still clean on the side and the weekends, more at night. I’m an amateur artist that possibly could make a living someday from it when the time is right.

I don’t think that I ever do truly take a moments rest. I drive myself crazy at times because of all the shit I went through. I don’t want to go backwards in life ever again like I have been.

Hell, I think it does happen to the best of all of us. Maybe that’s what makes us humans so unique – because we all have our own personal stories, traumas, victories, etc.

I like to think of this part in my life story where I begin to grow. Where I am truly discovering who I am, who I want to be, and prepare for when it ends.

I remember a time where I cared about what other people thought of me and my image, but no longer am I that same person. If we only have one life to live then I want to give it my best shot before the hourglass runs out of sand.

Life is really too short and only just now recently I am beginning to understand this.

Death has appeared around us and it just opens your eyes to it all some days.

It can all end in the blink of an eye on one random morning or night.

So before I die, I want to leave my mark onto the world forever. I don’t mean like a celebrity or some shit like that. Just enough that my soul has been satisfied and I can eternally rest and watch over my kids from beyond.

So I know on the other side that I completed my mission in life and I did the right thing in the end.