Different Hats

Have you ever felt like you just don’t belong….anywhere? Any place, any time, around people, family, friends, stores, bars, school, etc. Something inside of your body screaming this just isn’t right.

And when you are around people just trying to have a good time and fit in, the connection suddenly becomes interrupted by a different type of point-of-view and the fun starts to disappear.

It’s the ability to disconnect from yourself – kind of like an out-of-body experience where you can see yourself outside of your physical form from above or at a distance.

When I feel myself begin to disconnect from my reality I can feel my heart begin to pound faster, and the noises phase out and all I can hear is the blood flowing in my ears. My vision fades out into this groggy cloud but I can still see everything normal. The people around me are having a great time and couldn’t care less if I was here or not.

The void inside of my soul with a complete sense of not belonging starts ringing the bell to let me know it’s time to dissociate.

Or maybe it’s just common sense, I don’t know.

This is something that I have been dealing with since I was a kid in school, probably as early as sixth grade but never understood what was happening to me until adulthood. And now that it does make sense to me, I can understand why I was such awkward person growing up.

So here’s what I’m really trying to express at – all of my life since I was a kid I have felt like I’m very different from other people and I still feel like this now at 32. What I’m starting to realize at this point in my life is that I may have a slight issue with forming personal connections or relationships with other people.

Once upon a time I had lots of people I talked to, hung out with, and you know all that typical shit you do when growing up. I thought everyone was my friend because they were nice and made time to exchange words with me or we shared a laugh or two.

I made time for others who I considered friends and helped them with their needs, when a boyfriend dumped them or cheated on them, or when they felt down and depressed.

I once sat in a grocery store parking lot with an old friend and we shared veggies and dip together until 7AM because we both shared a common sad relationship story.

I’ve always tried to do whatever I could for the friends I had at each stage of my life, and I never got the same type of love or support. Instead, I became too nice and became a walking doormat for people to wipe their dirty tootsies on.

My problem was that I was just too friendly and social, just trying to be accepted by whoever, I guess you could say like my “tribe” or something trendy like that. Or maybe it was that I was too naive and immature to understand that not everyone who talks to you or even associates with you is not your friend.

Maybe I was just a convenience for others to use at their pleasure.

Here’s another story about another old friend that blatantly used me for her cruel intentions – used to be friends with this girl that had horrible self-esteem issues and occasionally would disappear when she got a new boyfriend but came back when it was over. Most of these unstable relationships of hers was because of the constant cheating she inflicted. Well I was always there for her when she came back around, I understood that sometimes we do these things because were humans, but it’s not acceptable. Low and behold, this girl finds a new man and locks him in tight, but still finds the impulse to cheat with an old boyfriend on a weekly basis. How did she accomplish this? By making plans with me! Yes, by arranging plans at the bar to share a quick drink with me, she was able to manipulate her way out of our fun night out so she could sleep with another man. She even called these hangouts with me “Tuesday nights” or some shit like that and it was code for her unfaithfulness but with me as the decoy so she remained the angel in white. Eventually, and how the story always goes, we parted ways after a while.

I didn’t realize that she wasn’t my friend until years later and I would think about this and what I did wrong for her to ghost me. Obviously it wasn’t my fault and I did nothing wrong, it’s because I already knew what type of person she was and the damage she has done. By ridden me from her life the problems never existed.

She’s just one of many that have never cared about me or my existence. I’ve got other stories about similar situations but this one just stands out the most as a reminder to remember to be careful who you share bread with at your table.

Throughout my own personal life and experiences, I’ve been around a lot of people and I used to call them friends. Then one day, everything started to make some sense and I guess I started to finally grow up. None of them were truly friends I’m starting to see, they never did the things I would do for them and it began to hurt.

I brought up the word convenience before and I’m going to say it again – to the people I once knew and loved, I was a convenient person to use. Whether it was for emotional support, relationship support, to buy something for everyone, alcohol and marijuana, cooking food, financial questions, or to disrespect my home.

And these are people that wouldn’t even do half of what I’ve done for them….for me.

One day it all started making sense to me and I can understand why I can dissociate, from the hurt and pain that I’ve experienced and maybe it’s a mechanism to help cope with reality.

It’s also a reason why I decided to change my life around and not be that type of person anymore. I live a more quiet lifestyle now and focus only on my family and their needs. These are my best friends and people that love me, a love that I can accept without question.

This is a hard but important lesson to learn in life, don’t be so inviting and pleasurable to every single person you meet. I look at friendships now like I look at dating, start slow and steady. Don’t be so willing to give give give like I always did to make people like you.

Here’s another lesson that helped me to really grow up. I’m not a perfect person and no such thing exists, we all have some issues like mine were immaturity, anger, loneliness, identity, personality, and so on. The trick is to realize what is causing the issues and work on them before making the friends you want to be around.

And that’s what I’m doing, learning about myself and the person I actually want to be seen as.

Living a solitude lifestyle for a while now has helped me to understand that I don’t need anyone here for me, I needed to learn to love myself all along.

I can’t even believe sometimes how much I have changed, the people who once knew me probably wouldn’t even believe it, nor care for that matter.

For the first time in my life I prefer to stand alone in a crowd full of people as they watch how different I am from them.

I’m taking the road less traveled instead of following the others.