Different Hats

She’s a different type of female, like one I’ve never met before in my life. A lonesome creature that rarely speaks up anymore. What was once filled with fire and sparks has now turned to ashes and dust. She has changed completely and I can’t blame her for why.

You’ll never see her fitting in with the rest of society. She does not wear designer clothing, let alone carry a purse for that matter. Her hair is always up in a messy bun and I can see that she’s not into going to the salon. Pale skin, no makeup, and yet still beautiful.

The girls never invite her out to a night out on the town or for dinner. They think she’s a bit too strange or bitter. Most of the time they just stare at her wondering what’s wrong, but they don’t really care.

And that could be the problem all along. Nobody cared about this strange female before and she finally woke up to realize this.

Maybe one day she looked at herself in the mirror and after 10 minutes of staring it just clicked together.

It’s been years now since I’ve last spoken to that girl. The last time we ever spoke was the night she changed. That is the night she set the flame on her own self-destruction. The world she knew shattered around her and the broken glass bits drizzled her skin with pain. Something inside of her flipped and she became a monster.

I used to blame her and her actions for what she caused. It’s not her fault though. She’s so screwed up from those damn doctors and her battle with postpartum depression nearly killed her. At one point, she weighed an astonishing 98 pounds. Death was at her door and without a doubt she welcomed him.

The sad part of it is that I don’t think she realized what she was doing to herself, to her friends, and her family. It was too late and the damage was past the point of repair. You see, when she had fallen very ill after ignoring the symptoms of postpartum depression for so long, she crashed.

For three years she went up and the she went back down fighting a silent battle inside her mind. An invisible illness criticized by everyone that surrounded her. She was committed twice and even did electroconvulsive therapy – you know, where they give you the “shock” treatment.

These doctors had her convinced that she was very mentally ill and all they ever did was prescribe her more and more medications.

It’s a no brainer as to why she lost her marbles. Constantly prescribing her with anti-anxiety medications that she ate like skittles. The poor thing became so addicted she had no clue.

And it was on that last night that we last spoke she changed.

That monster festered up all her last bit of energy in her final moments of self-destruction and lashed out to every person around her. The fire inside of her was slowly dying out and it was time for her to extinguish it once and for all.

It was on that same night I learned she stopped taking her medications cold turkey. She went through withdrawal, gained her weight back, and invested her time learning about mental illness and what she could do to improve it.

She became a loner – someone that was once kind and welcoming put the steel bar across her door.

It was a new beginning for her. A new life and a new identity as well.

She closed the book on the last chapter of her old life which included everyone and everything she knew. Except her family of course. That was all she had left and she loves them dearly. Just her mom, her boyfriend, and her son. No one else stood by her side when she fell apart.

Now, that monster is doing better than she ever was before. She even has a new baby, a little girl to complete the family. She went through postpartum all over again, but this time with different results.

She put herself right into counseling where she spent one year, once a week on a Monday afternoon talking about her issues and the past. She met with a psychiatrist once a month that didn’t drug her up, but instead educated her on mental illness.

And did she ever get that sick again? Nope, she learned how to manage her negative thoughts and clear her mind. She knew that no one was going to hold her hand and help her if she ever became that ill again.

While in the process of healing her mental health, she learned how to become a stronger person.

Alone.

The woman who I’ve known my whole life learned how to do things alone and to keep quiet. Something that I didn’t think she could ever do.

And now I can see why she is the way she is.

She’s been through some stuff just like others around the world have. She’s learned that she’s not alone either in the silent battle. There are other monsters just like her too.

If I could be honest with you, there was a point in time where I thought she would never get the help she needed. She proved me wrong though.

She did get the help and now she takes better care of herself. Her path of self-destruction has been repaired, the cracks have been sealed off to prevent further damage.

She has quite the different life now than she did five years ago. Two kids now which makes her even more busier than ever, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s a homemaker who takes care of her family.

While she does spend most of her days being a mother, her nights consists of staying up late finishing assignments for class. She’s a college girl now going after an IT degree.

And if she’s not doing her homework, you will find her painting instead. She’s an artist too.

That girl is something else, I’ll tell you.

What a transformation she has put herself through.

I wonder if she thinks about me like I think about her.

I know that we will never speak to each other again, but sometimes I would like to tell her how proud of her I am.

And I hope she continues to keep doing good. She’s made a lot of progress over the last five years and no one would even know it.

She keeps to herself now. Not a social butterfly like how she once was.

And the funny thing is that now she is doing good, some people would like to come back in her life.

But, why now?

Why, when she is in a good place now do people want to disturb her peace?

She was nothing when she was mentally ill and went through all of that alone.

The people around her looked at her like she was just a monster with green eyes.

But she was more than that.

Only she could see that.

And I’m so proud of her for that.

My wish for her is to keep doing better things and make something out of herself instead of wasting talent.

She’s a smart person who never really tried.

That strange female I know.

Keep going.

And,

Goodbye.