Different Hats

I have one dream that I need to accomplish before I die. Get a college education.

Three years ago, I gave that up.

I was in Community College for one year and then I decided out of the blue to apply to other Universities. One school reached out for an interview and I said yes. I gave a short speech about myself, how I got to this point, and what I wanted to do with my life. Three days later, I had a voicemail from the Admissions center letting me know that I was accepted with a scholarship.

I remember when I got that phone call I was working a crap job (just like all of us do), and I started to cry. I found myself inside the ladies room hiding in a stall, sitting on a toilet that I was supposed to be cleaning. All I kept doing was replaying the message over and over again because I was in shock.

The reason why that it was so hard for me to believe that I was accepted into a private University is because I’m a high school dropout. I left my senior year, sometime in May, so like a month before graduation. I hated going to school; dealing with all the other kids, the anxiety, depression, etc.

Instead, I got a job and I got my alternative, which I like to call Good Enough Diploma. I’ve worked as a professional house cleaner for several years. I even have a Bartender’s license (I know, so silly) and worked the bar on the weekends. I did the most that I thought I could do at the time, I never believed that I could be smart enough for college.

That’s because I never tried. Do I wish I would of tried more in high school? Yes, absolutely. Do I regret that I dropped out of high school? No, not one bit.

I’ve enjoyed the time working jobs that most people would not do. Many times I’ve been looked down upon because I can vacuum, mop, and take out the trash. Some people would even argue that cleaning is not a livable profession, but it is, if done successfully.

But, I don’t want that to be my career anymore. I’m tired and my body has damage from over the years. It’s one of the reasons why I decided to give college a try. I made the call, spoke with advisors on what I needed to be accepted, and did the work.

One of the first things I had to do was get in contact with my old high school. I had to get some copies made of my official transcript. It’s been years since I left and I couldn’t wait to see what kind of grades I had. Oh, they were just awful. I laughed so hard when I saw where I’d left off. Jokes aside though, I didn’t think the grades would be good enough to even attempt community college.

To my amazement, the college accepted everything I gave them, and accepted me. I worked very hard my first year; I studied for each test, I read all of the books, completed assignments, and even earned extra credit. For the first time in my life, I actually felt smart. I had to brush up on stuff like correct formatting for writing papers, and citations, and all that good stuff.

Because I did very well the first year, that’s when I decided to apply to other schools. I was lucky enough to be accepted to Drew University for a bachelors in psychology. The school itself was beautiful and it’s often referred to as “the University in the forest” because it’s literally in the middle of the woods.

I didn’t make it long and I was gone within a few weeks. I started the withdrawal process and gave it all up. I gave it all up because it was not a good time in my life to dedicate four years to this institution. I had other hardships that had to be dealt with, and one of them was being homeless.

And I was homeless, for a little while but it worked out eventually. That’s a different story. After I gave up school the first time, I didn’t think it would be ever possible to start over again. But that was three years ago, and there is nothing stopping me now from going back to college. I’m in a much better place; mind and spirit, then I was before.

This time I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to finish with community college. I can’t dedicate all of my time just to school; I have kids so finding a balance between the two is key.

I’m not gonna pursue a career in psychology either. That part of my life has changed and so have I. I like working with computers, so I’m going towards that direction. It’s probably what I should of did in the first place, but I had no clue what I was even doing, really.

Even though I didn’t finish, I am still proud of myself for giving it a try. I can’t believe to this day that I even made it that far to be honest. I never thought I would be college material. There’s a part of me that wishes that I would of put more effort while in high school, and then there’s not.

I’ve never done things in the correct order, it’s always ass-backwards.

Here are two examples:

1. Unmarried with two children and still with their Daddy.
2. High school dropout returns to school 10 years later.

Does this make me an unstable person? To me, no. To others, yes, completely. Strangers may look at me as irresponsible, unprepared, and shouldn’t be a parent to begin with because I didn’t do it their way.

It doesn’t matter what a stranger may think, what matters is how I handle my own life.

I’m going back to school this September. I’ve registered for classes, changed my major, and I’m ready.

This will be the third time that I have changed a major. The first was Art, the second was Psychology, and the last will be Technology.

At first, I wanted to be an Art Teacher but that idea faded. Then I got the idea of becoming a Psychologist because of what I went through when I was mentally sick. I couldn’t dedicate all of my time to that because my children come first. Now, I’m focused on technology. It’s something that I’ve been good at since I was a teenager, and I think it’s a much better career choice for me.

I’m filled with a load of emotions – excited, nervous, joyful, anxious. It’s not going to be easy work but I’m ready for this challenge. I’m ready to change my life and make the right decisions. I dream of the future and what I can give my kids, the best life possible for them.

I hope one day to take a photo – my children, my boyfriend, and my diploma…all of my greatest achievements together.