Different Hats

The most unique experience a woman will ever go through. A tiny human growing inside your tummy and taking over the organs. Constant peeing in the panties and vomiting after every meal. Gagging from the smell of butter garlic noodles and feeling disturbed from grilled salmon. Eating the entire bag of mixed Halloween chocolate candy. Hunched over in the shower struggling to shave. Restless legs while trying to sleep on your side. Windex and polish everything even when it’s already been cleaned. Crying alone in a room overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Lower back burning with fire and ankles swelling as you walk. Driving to the gynecologist office to pee into a cup and be asked the same questions from the week before. Blood draws, glucose tests, specialists, stress. Sometimes it feels as if nine months will be for the rest of your life.

What it takes for a woman to create life is exceptional. The body will stretch, itch and change color. Nipples darken and tattoos blowout while body hair and nails grows stronger. Headaches will turn into migraines pounding the back of your eyeballs. Silky, glowing skin that will invite others to stare and touch. Feet grow another inch longer and nothing from the closet fits anymore. I think the worst part of all is just being tired all the time, even after you get some rest on the couch or in the bed, it’s never enough.

And then one day it’s all over. All the pain and suffering blossoms into an exciting new adventure. The first cry of your child brings tears of joy to your face. A whole new light turns on inside your soul and the capacity for love expands. A small creature so pure and uncontaminated from the world, with a powerful urge to protect them from outsiders and all potential dangers. Becoming a Mother is such a rewarding yet challenging decision, but it’s one of the best titles that I have earned.

Never in a million years would I have thought to become a mother. It was never a goal of mine or a dream to have kids. I’m not married and both of my children were not planned to be conceived. I was scared to death when I found out I was pregnant with each child. I was with my boyfriend for five months when we found out the first time and I didn’t know what to expect. It was quite the shock and at first I myself didn’t know what kind of decision to make, but my heart knew that I needed this child. We did everything together – we went to the doctor appointments and ultrasound screenings, and celebrated with friends and family.

I am fortunate that he stayed my side through it all and he continues to as the years pass us. Two strangers within a year of meeting each other decide to bring a child in the world together, without any knowledge of raising children or prior experience. Sounds immoral and like a disastrous situation for the child, but it’s not. Because of our son, we were able to grow up together and learn what it takes to raise a baby, and become responsible loving parents. Now we have a daughter as well and she just completes our family. Two kids is enough for me to love and I don’t want to have anymore children, ever again.

That sounds selfish, but I couldn’t care less. I hated being pregnant each time and I really did not enjoy it. The feeling of being nauseous and having an insatiable appetite at the same time. The morning sickness was unpredictable and severe enough to require medication. Even going to the doctors office gave me anxiety because I was afraid to ask questions and hear the response. I used to get jealous when other women would tell me they “just loved being pregnant” or “could be pregnant forever”. I couldn’t understand how they felt like that and why I felt so different.

I’m very happy that I am a mother and I’m not the same woman I was. Because of having children, I have learned to love them more than myself. Before kids, I was nothing but felt like I was everything. I didn’t care much about others and enjoyed only what I pleasured. I had nothing going for me; I worked full-time at a cleaning service and tend the bar on weekends, while investing my time in people who could give two shits about me. Most days I’d wonder why do I even exist and what’s my purpose? Hell, some days I still feel the same now. Looking back 10 years ago, I was lost and confused about myself and what I wanted to be. I’ve spent a great amount of time trying to please others and make them happy instead of me.. I forgot that I need happiness too.

Motherhood is the life that I prefer to live and I never want to be the person I used to be again. It makes me feel like I have a reason to be on this planet, to live this crazy life with my tiny humans by my side. It’s a good feeling to know someone really loves you and I have twice that. I don’t have close friends, I don’t speak with any family members, not even my own father. I have my mother and have throughout the years, it’s always been just her and I alone. There’s never been a blood relative to check in on us and see if we ever needed help with anything, even if they lived 10 miles away.

I’ve always looked up to my Mother but she would never believe me if I told her that. We’ve had our differences and our share of fights but I’m still right by her side, just like how she has always been on my side for everything. She’s a grandmother now and she loves the kids dearly; she’s the first person they look for each morning to receive hugs and kisses. She too now has a purpose in life and devotes her time, energy, and money to the kids. I couldn’t be more grateful to have a mother as selfless as her and it’s the kind of mother I desire to be. The kind that spends her days picking up the house, cooking the meals and leaving dishes stacked on the stove. Forgets to shower herself but makes sure the kids are clean first, and stays up till 3AM enjoying her solitude playing video games and drinking wine.

I’m not a super Mom and sometimes I try too hard to be; I put a lot of pressure on myself to do everything the correct way. But then I’ve realized that’s a silly way to live life because no one is perfect. What is important about being a Mom is showing your children love, taking care of personal needs and requests, a safe and stable home environment, food on the table even if it’s not healthy, answering life questions, and making them smile always.

My only wish in life is for my children to live successful and healthy lives in the future. I will always be here for each of them whenever they need help; life is difficult enough without guidance or reassurance from someone with experience. Whenever I see a shooting star in the night sky I make the same wish each time; I pray for my children to be healthy and for God to give sickness upon me, if sickness need be. I’d give my last breath to watch them grow old.

Motherhood has been the greatest accomplishment I’ve earned in life and I’m proud to have the title of Mother. I’m thankful for two beautiful, healthy children that I wake up to each morning and put down for bed each night. I’m rich with love instead of paper, what more could you want?